The Tears We Cry
by Datenma
Summary: Slash! It has been two years since the tragedy that struck Harry and the others. A lot has happened in those two years. Remus recounts everything to an unexpected guest. Spoilers from OotP!
1. Prologue

**The Tears We Cry  
By:** Datenma

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The story and characters belong to the wonderful J.K.Rowling. Bow down before her mighty...mightyness!

**Warning**: Slash—male/male. **Spoilers if you haven't read the fifth book.**

Sirius' POV for this chapter.

Read and Review please!

**Prologue**

"Is this what you wanted!" His voice cuts through me like the edge of a sharp blade, or one of the Unforgivable Curses. I can see why he's mad but still, to accuse me of wanting something like that.

No, it wasn't what I wanted, far from it. Like I would want that horrible excuse for a woman to have any satisfaction in beating me at—anything for that matter.

"Do you have any idea what has happened since you've been gone?" His voice drops to a seething whisper.

No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me, Remus. You seem so good at that. I say nothing, just sit there on his worn, tattered couch with him pacing the floor in front of me. I can hear the tears that he is struggling against in his voice. He has always been a strong person and I have both prided and envied that in him.

He pauses for a moment and I don't know whether he wants me to look at him or if he is just struggling not to hit me. Remus rarely hits anyone without them physically lashing out first, but then again, Remus rarely loses his temper like this. I really hurt him this time.

He lets out a sigh, all the anger leaving his face with the motion as he sits down on the couch next to me, distancing himself but still sitting close enough for me to reach out and touch him. I wasn't going to do that, I knew he wouldn't want me to touch him. "A lot has happened, Sirius." He turns his tired gray eyes to me. "Have you gone to see Harry yet?" There is a slight hitch in his voice when he says Harry's name and his eyes soften.

"Not yet, as soon as I came back, I wound up here." I look at him for a long moment before reaching a hand out to him instinctively. He shies away and I pull my hand back, letting it lay limply on the couch at my side. "What happened?"

He takes a deep breath and holds my eyes with his for a long moment, before…

"Harry's…gone." My hearts must have stopped for a minute, if not longer. Harry gone? What could he mean by that…I only…

"What? But what about Voldemort?" I get to my feet, hands balled into fists as I gaze down at Remus, the vision of calm as always. But what was I going to do? I had just gotten back, someone winding up on Remus' doorstep and here I am jumping up like that…was I going to go run out, find Voldemort and fight him to protect my pride? I would just end up getting killed and letting everyone down again. Letting Remus down again. It is a wonder he didn't turn me away after all that I have put him through. I don't want to let him down again, but most of all, I don't want to end up hurting him even more than I already have. But that seems to be all that I am capable of. Hurting the person I love most.

His next words stop me successfully.

"He's gone. Harry defeated him with his last breath. We buried him near James and Lily's graves. I can't say it would have made them happy to have me bury their son…but still…" I sink onto the couch next to him, burying my face into my hands. After what seems like forever, I feel his gentle fingertips dance along my hair lightly, almost fearfully. I welcome the contact but don't get too used to it, incase he pulls away.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way. Harry wasn't supposed to die…" I lower my hands and turn my eyes on him.

"Tell me everything."

**TBC**


	2. Our Loss

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, Sirius would have never died

Thanks so much for the kind reviews XD And you're just going to have to wait, this fic will cover two years—from the time Sirius died until the end of Harry's seventh year. I have the end plotted out and some of the sixth year but you'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Remus' POV (Because Remus is my favorite character 3)

**Chapter 1:** Our Loss 

It has only been a couple of months after Sirius' death and it has gotten to the point where even the littlest thing remind me of him, the great man had had grown to become—despite all the hell he had gone through, or maybe because of it—and even the energetic boy he had been in our youth had not died as I would have thought.

How could you leave me just like that, Sirius? We had everything planned out; we had our whole lives ahead of us, or life together…

You weren't even thinking that day. How could you have been? You rushed into a dangerous situation, not knowing anything at all, just like you've always done before.

I'm mad at you, mad at Harry, mad at Albus. But most of all, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself for not being able to help you when you needed me the most and for blaming Harry for even a moment when I shouldn't have. I probably would have done the same thing if I had thought you were in danger.

I can blame Albus and myself and you all I want. It won't bring you back, it won't change the fact that you're gone and it won't dull this painful ache in my heart.

The fact that I rarely ever leave your old room does not help me forget. Though, even if I did, I could never forget, no matter how hard I tried, the wolf would never let me. And I would never let myself. You were all I really had left to keep me going and I've lost you twice, first to Azkaban and now to that stupid veil.

Each time I breathe in, I catch a whiff of you and shiver as a sob shakes my body.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. You told me this time would be different; you promised we wouldn't be apart ever again. You had everything planned out, once you cleared your name, you would gain custody of Harry and the three of us would live together. It would be perfect.

I never would have scoffed at your silly dreams because you were so enthusiastic and adamant about them, I just had to believe you, I believed you so much that your dreams quickly became mine and then…

The tears finally cloud my vision, rolling down my cheeks to soak the pillow. I have lost track of how many times I have cried for you, but I am surprised that I have any tears left to cry.

Harry is taking it as well as could be expected. He practically demolished Albus' office and blamed the old wizard for not trusting him more. I'm inclined to agree, I blame him a little myself.

Harry has sent me owls, and he misses you just as much as I do. I can tell he wants to ask about you, what you were like when you were younger, but he never has. Maybe, in his own way, he can tell I am grieving for you as more than just a friend would, no matter how much I try to hide it from the others.

I have already lost so many people dear to me, my three best friends whose companionship lasted until their life flames were extinguished so prematurely. I could not bear it if anything were to happen to Harry, the only thing James and Lily left behind.

And what have you left for me, Sirius? A hole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone other than you. And with you running about all the time so restlessly, I rarely ever saw you before. But I didn't care; at least you were with me then, but now…

Oh, Sirius, my dear Sirius. Why did you have to be so reckless? Why did I have to fall in love with your boyish charm when we were at Hogwarts? I don't regret it, even if I should. I always cherished every private moment alone with you. You always managed to make the hectic world around us fade completely, until all I could see was you. The most important person in the world to me.

Those twelve years without you before were hell. I couldn't stand it; I thought I was going to go insane. The idea that you would betray Lily and James, I couldn't get it to stick. You would die before you betrayed any one of us, I knew that, the wolf knew that and still…

Without you there, I didn't know what to believe. James, Lily, and even Peter were gone. Out of our little group of close friends, I thought we were the only ones alive and you had gone to Azkaban for revealing James and Lily's location to Voldemort and killing Peter. I thought you had killed them all. I was torn apart, by my love and hatred for you.

At least, for a short time, I was consoled by the fact that you were not the one who was responsible and you had not killed Peter. We were together, or at least tried to be. Those years in Azkaban had taken their toll on you and I had forgotten how to allow myself to love anyone, or be loved for that matter. We helped each other through it, somehow.

I was getting used to being around you again and you were learning how to be around people again. It broke my heart to see what had happened to you, when you were innocent all along. I despised myself for having blamed you for their deaths even for a second.

Somehow we returned to some semblance of what we used to be. You were still energetic, optimistic, and a little over bearing. But that was what made you the person you are, the person you used to be.

Even death cannot put a stopper in my love for you, though I knew the risks and yet still, no matter what precautions I took, the warning I gave you, I still fell in love with you. I don't think I would want to fall in love with another person even if I could. No one could ever taken your place, you were just that unique.

I take a breath to regain the composure I had lost.

Albus has started to put his plans into action, at least, more than before. He asked me to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor again and I was opposed to the idea at first but then he turned my logic against me. It would be the best way for me to keep a close eye on Harry and make sure he does not try to do anything dangerous.

All of my things are at Hogwarts now, I just cannot bring myself to leave this place. I told myself I would not sulk, but here I am, soaked in my tears, lying on your bed and just thinking. What would you say if you saw me like this?

_'Come on, Moony! Stop lying around on your arse and get out there and do something! Make me proud! Make everyone see what I see when I look at you!'_

"And what did you see, Sirius? What did you see so easily that no one else can?"

_'The man I love. A brave, beautiful, kind person, who is stronger than I could ever hope to be.'_

"You're stronger than me, Sirius." I sob, burying my face in his pillow. "I wish you hadn't left me. I could do it if I hadn't learned to love again, if you hadn't returned to me after Azkaban. But you did and…"

And I don't think I can continue on like this.

"Remus."

The tears stop almost immediately. That was not your voice, it belonged to someone else, someone familiar. James?

There is a knock on the door.

"Come in, Harry." He sounds so much like James, he's Prongs' little clone, really. The door opens slowly, light from the outside hallway drifting into the darkened room, making me squint before I grow accustomed to it. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at your uncle's?"

I am sitting on the edge of Sirius' bed, composed as usual, even if my cheeks are stained with tears and my eyes more than a little red and puffy.

He hangs in the doorway, hesitating. He still is not used to me, though he has stopped referring to me as 'Professor Lupin' something he will get back into the habit of over the course of this year.

"Don't be sheepish, Harry. I do not bite, at least, not at the moment." We smile at each other weakly and he moves away from the door, coming closer to me. The worry is apparent in his bright green eyes, Lily's eyes. She looked at me with those same eyes so many times, I've lost count. "I'm fine, Harry, honestly. You do not have to worry about me. Now, tell me what you are doing here."

"I was on my way to London with the Weasleys and I thought I should drop by…Remus, you'll come with us, right? You'll be teaching this year, so…"

So, he did not want me to be alone? Well, really, I have always been alone, even when you were alive, Sirius. You always got into so much trouble…but you wouldn't have it any other way.

I laugh, just to fool Harry, I have to be brave for his sake, even if I am being torn apart from the inside out, even if both of us are still grieving for Sirius. "I do not want to be a burden and…" I look around the room slowly, letting my eyes linger here and there. "I still have some things I need to do here."

He looks around as well, slipping his hands into his pockets. "This was his room? It doesn't seem like him…" I smile at him gently.

"Sirius lived a double life while he was here, he could not be himself because of his mother, and before last year, he has not been here since he ran away. I remember him saying that he would sooner go to Azkaban than step foot in this house again…I guess that came true. But…" I run my hand lightly over the worn sheets, "This place hasn't changed."

Harry takes another hesitant step into the room. "You and Sirius…" He pauses and I catch him blushing.

I stand with a sigh, my muscles groaning in protest. "He and I were very close, Harry." He looks up at me, a little startled, "He helped me greatly in school—in his own right. I will admit that we were stupid back then but everyone is entitled to their own mistakes, and bouts of stupidity." I lay a hand on his shoulder briefly. "But, that doesn't mean he wasn't a good person. I…"

I let my hand slide off his shoulder and hang loosely by my side. He turns to face me but I cast my eyes down at the floor in front of me. "What is it, Remus?" His voice cuts into my daze and I quickly turn to look at him, realizing where I was.

I laugh despite myself. "Oh, nothing, I just drifted off for a bit. The older you get, the more you start to think about everything."

"About Sirius…" I nod and walk to the doorway, turning around to look back at him.

"Yes, about Sirius, and about other things, too." It is his turn to cast his eyes down to the ground, his shoulders starting to shake. We have not been this close since I went to meet him at the station after the school term was over. He seemed fine then, but still…Ron and Hermione were with him then.

"Because of me…because I couldn't wait, Sirius is…Sirius is…"

I take a couple of steps towards him and place my hand on top of his head, something my father did before he died. "Harry, you shouldn't blame yourself. Sirius did what he did because he wanted to save you. He was your godfather, James trusted Sirius enough to ask him to protect you and that's just what he did." He looks up at me, his eyes glistening with the tears that threaten to run down his cheeks, "He died protecting you, I don't think he would have it any other way. But, Harry, I know Sirius wouldn't want either of us acting like this. Sirius was so full of life that he would want us to live like that as well."

He turns his head to the side, balling his hands into fists, his shoulders starting to shake again. "I barely knew anything about him, or Dad and Mum. You're the only one left who knows them personally." There is an edge to his voice and I know he is thinking about Peter. Who would have ever thought all this could happen because of that little rat? He revived Voldemort, made him immune to the final spell Lily had cast on Harry to protect him…and because of Peter, Sirius was put in Azkaban. If I ever see Peter again…I'll make him wish he had died that day.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know, Harry, but not right now. You have to get to the station, and so do I." He looks down at his watch and nodded in agreement.

"So, I'll see you on the train, Professor?" He grins up at me, only a trace of sadness in his eyes.

"Of course, and I do hope you will stay out of trouble, Harry, even if you are the son of one of the Marauder. Now, don't keep the Weasleys waiting, I'll meet you at the station." He nods and says a quick farewell, giving me a quick, awkward hug and running out of the room before I can say anything.

I smile after him. That certainly was unexpected but still, it is good to know he is doing well.

I look around the room distantly, not wanting to leave but knowing I have to. If I do not go now, Albus will probably come to get me himself, and I do not want anyone to see me in such a state.

_'Come on, Moony, don't be a git. Start taking your own advice. Harry will get over it but the wolf will never let you forget.' I know, don't think I don't know that.'_

Even if this hole in my heart is never filled, even if I never forget what I have lost, I can still keep this mask on to hide from the rest of the world and help protect our future—in Harry.

**TBC**

Listening to Nine Inch Nails and writing this is very weird…Oo But…:dances around to "The hand that feeds": I love it!

Read and review please!


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